Life in Paradise

Nothing Worth More Than This Day

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:22:24 GMT

We don't know if we'll live to see tomorrow, so it's important to live every day to the fullest... that doesn't mean making love and stuffing your face with chocolate, but appreciating little things & just being happy. Being fearless. Sucking the marrow out of the bone of life. Realizing that a lot of time, there's nothing to lose; & if there is something to lose, it's usually worth the risk.

Case in point: Vera Ann. I bet she never thought she would die at 30, leaving my mother (at age 2) and her sisters alone. How I would have loved to know her.

I think it's funny how I always think about the future, like I'm so sure it will be there. Like it's guaranteed. It rarely crosses my mind that I may never live to see marriage, or the birth of my own children, or be able to watch my children grow up. I could leave this world before I reach any of those stages. You just can't possibly know. Which is why you should appreciate everything and never waste a moment.

Life. Existence. It feels so personal sometimes.

And it is. Every human being is unique, and has experiences, and loves that no one else could ever experience in quite the same way.

And it is not. Parts of life are universal. Sometimes you realize "I’m a part of something so much bigger than myself." It's an absolutely beautiful consideration. Where you may have felt so alone previously, suddenly you have the company of anyone who ever lived, who is living presently, and who will live in the future.

Things I Learned in Italy

Fri, 02 May 2008 19:34:51 GMT

1) Everything is at least 3 times bigger than you would have imagined from photographs.
2) They only have 2 commercials, which they play over & over.
3) Gelato is the closest you'll get to heaven on earth.
4) Italian men in leather jackets are the hottest thing alive.
5) They have sweet ass trees!
6) Americans really, truly are outrageously spoiled & selfish.
7) La Vita e Bella.

Shy v. Quiet

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:06:23 GMT

I am not shy.
I am quiet.
There's a fucking difference.

Shy implies that I'm afraid, that it's something out of my control. Quiet is a choice.

A Valediction Forbidding Mourning

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 20:33:20 GMT

by John Donne

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

Feeling Unsafe

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 07:18:00 GMT

I'm tired of living in an area where I can't walk alone in broad daylight w/o fearing for my life.

There was an armed robbery, PRACTICALLY ON DUKE CAMPUS, at 9:30 tonight. This is one of many criminal acts that have taken place since I've been at Duke.

Emerald Isle, I miss you.

Create

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:34:18 GMT

Oooh I want to CREATE things! I want to sing! I want to write music, poetry, a book! I want to paint! I want to play the piano! I want to knit a scarf! I want to dance! I want to make babies! :-) I want to add beautiful things to the world... that are extensions of myself, but completely outside of me, their own entities... that help me get to know myself better.

Note to Self

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:29:13 GMT

Don't get stuck in ruts. You've got to liberate yourself from all constraints. You want to grow. You want to be better. Change isn't a bad thing. It's good to let go of people and ideas and places to make room for the new. The better. You don't NEED anyone or anything. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise. Be free. It's good to be uncomfortable. Do you want to be who you are now for the rest of your life? Not that there is anything wrong with who you are, but surely you believe you could be something greater. There are not limits. You only live once. Fear nothing.

The Invitation by Oriah

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:24:18 GMT

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Sister Love

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 05:04:14 GMT

My sisters may be younger than me, but there’s still a lot they have to teach me.

Candice recently had someone throw hot chocolate in her face in public, and she was such a good sport about it. She posted “I enjoy getting hot chocolate thrown in my face!” in her profile. Oh I love her. She found the entire ordeal immensely amusing. I would probably take something like that so personally. She immediately picks herself up. Hell, does she even fall down?

I love my sisters.

Ventilation (Letter to Nate)

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 05:42:09 GMT

You're such a cold person. You think you're a god. Do you think I care about you for that reason? Don't flatter yourself. You always asked why I still cared. I never knew until now. It's who I AM, not you. I care about you because I refuse to abandon a person. I think you are a complete asshole. I wonder if you have any real feelings. You're so immature. You rarely try, and when you do, you give up so easily. You make poor decisions, underestimate yourself, & take so much for granted.

But who was I before I met you? You changed my life and I'm gonna try to hang on until I change yours...

Now could you please stop running away? I don't think standing still is enough, either. If you would give me a measly 10%, I could meet you with 90.

Desiderata

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 19:59:02 GMT

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Freudian Slips

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 02:24:16 GMT

A poem Steven wrote for me a couple years ago. :P

Freudian Slips
by Steven Beaber

So I love you
And I hit my toe
And it hurt
I was like ow
I love you
And I took m
Shoe off
And it was like
All hurted
I love
I almost cry
You

What I Currently Think About...

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 02:19:24 GMT

School: UGH. They rob me of my time. Just give me some fucking books & leave me alone. I would be so much better on my own. I would learn so much more & have so much left to do with my day... you know, like, something PRODUCTIVE, maybe.

New Beginning, of Sorts

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 03:48:26 GMT

I miss keeping a journal. I feel like I should apologize to myself for not writing in this thing in so long. I mean, I've written, & I've written PLENTY... but in notebooks... & I haven't been the best about organizing and preserving. I also need a bettah mix. I'd prefer a nice melange of things that are silly & trifling, as well as thoughtful & deep.

I remember reading something junior year about life merely passing when you don't keep a journal. I think about that often, and I regret that I don't have the time or patience to document more of my experiences/opinions/random everyday thoughts.

You see, I have this terrible obsession with perfection. I refuse to save a piece of my writing unless I have edited it to perfection or feel it has a component that is necessary to preserve - despite the sloppiness. (This entry would be a prime example of the latter.) So obviously this creates a problem - I don't have the TIME, & rarely the patience, to ensure that every piece is a paragon.

I've written tons about Governor's School, but I doubt I'll be able to get to it before I have changed to the point where I can no longer touch it without defacing it in some way (i.e. I won't be in the state of mind to add-on or delete things that I can no longer relate to). I'm predicting it will be untouchable by fall/college.

Ahhhh hell... it's all for me, anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter where it is or how messy it is as long as I've got it. Regardless, I'm going to attempt to organize & put my thoughts where others can stalk. Ah, but this is a new beginning, so all my previous entries are going private.

Enjoy what is to come.